Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
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This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
tourist season
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.