My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
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never ask a starfish for directions
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I wish I were this cool 😂
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*