Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes