Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.