My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
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Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
the three branches of government
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches