If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
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no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”