Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
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me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Good point.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
the council will decide your fate
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.