If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
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I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.