Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
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I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist