Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
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Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”