“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
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Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Always…
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.