Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you