Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
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What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?