butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
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[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
welp
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”