*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
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I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job