Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
You Might Also Like
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf