being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
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CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.