Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic