Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
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No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.