*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
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For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?