[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
You Might Also Like
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
accurate
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single