I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”