The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.