Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
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“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*mops up wine with cat*
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
The human personality is made of five key elements
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”