Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
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My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”