man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
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If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
going to the ER y’all need anything
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.