[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
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Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Yes, this is exactly right
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I’m awake but I object,
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..