Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
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Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
The French word for sex is croissant.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!