Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
You Might Also Like
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.