Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.