Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Solving a traffic jam
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman