I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
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Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
They got a point!
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I have so many questions.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.