Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
me and my fake scenarios
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
necessity is the mother of invention
All food is good if you spell it wrong
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.