What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.