Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
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Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house đ
âAmen and dig inâ is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when thereâs food involved.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Who wants to hear about my fatherâs colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Yea girl, heâs your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
đđ©đąđ” judge.
Client: Whatâs wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
You know what comes after âleg dayâ?
Canât walk up or down stairs day
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.