I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
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The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
not to brag, but mine was free
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.