That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
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I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
*Seductively hides in the woods
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.