I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
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waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
this FaceApp is creepy af
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.