11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Flock of bats
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer