Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Remember folks 😂
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin