“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
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Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
sigh
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
@funTweeters
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Good morning, Twitter x
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.