Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
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Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.