My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*