You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me