*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
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Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.