just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to