This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.