The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
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“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.