At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
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i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
🙄😏😂🤣
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.