worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.